Three Things

I have to start somewhere. The tasks seem overwhelming, but I might as well document it here. Because at the end of a year, I believe that if I apply myself, Call Her Bluff, I will become a better, stronger, more authentic self. So here it all is:

I am overweight, 100 or more pounds overweight to be exact. My finances are at zero, meaning I have no savings. I do have equity in my house, I do have a car, and temporarily a full time job. At least for the next three months as I fill in for an administrative manager who was fired, and get paid to do her job at my old rate. The economy or perhaps the foolish spending in the company cost me full time status and a cut in salary, and I took it. Then when trouble hit, they asked me to come back full time, and I accepted. Humbled, humiliated, I went back. Was it the right thing or the wrong thing? For me, I think I lost a bit of my self. And if I had been financially stronger I believe my choice would have been different. But the life I created isn't financially sound and that needs to change if I no longer want to be controlled by the whims and thoughts of others.

I need to be my own boss. My first task this year is begin to accomplish three things each day that are personal accomplishments. Not for the job, not for others, not for anyone by me. Each daily entry will start out with my THREE THINGS. A simple life changing TO DO List. Three simple things, 365 days a year, for one full year. Join me. Start posting your three things. Let's start together today. Let's begin our lives again. We can do it!

Becoming a Stronger Woman.

Let's just get started. Its a no excuses kind of day today. I have made them and my alter ego is saying enough is enough. Like the Nike commercial she screams "Just do it". Enough already. You think you are so smart she asks? Well you are!! She screams. So quit acting helpless, hopeless. So perhaps you don't always think with a healthy mind, change that. Look at others, see how they respond to challenges, problems, issues of the heart, of work. What do they accept and reject? How do they respond and react?

I've been watching lately and I have learned a few things. Healthy, strong women don't settle. They aren't afraid to get hurt, and they don't shy away from the thought of hurting others. They don't go out of their way to be hurtful, but they realize that sometimes people will get hurt based on the decisions they have to make, and that is okay. Its not always fun, its not a requirement, but if it happens it is okay.

I on the other hand go out of my way to make people feel good. I don't want others to hurt, or be sad, or suffer because of me. And that isn't always good. Its not good if you are little by little sacrificing yourself and your own needs. If you are saying "yes" when you really feel inside that you should be saying "no", that is a sacrifice of yourself. And it doesn't allow the other person to learn and grow on their end either.

I have spent a life time going above and beyond for others at work, in my relationships. And recently, I got laid off. I honestly believe I was the biggest contributor to the company, generated the most ideas and had the most financial successes. But because I was so generous and so easy, the lay off came easy. The others made it difficult for the boss. They weren't as overly approachable, they didn't over extend themselves. You would think it would have been the other way around. But in reality, they stayed focused. They focused on themselves and the job they were given.

Its a very fine line to walk. For me, in my faith walk with God, we are to be givers. But we are not be walked on. If we create the opportunities for others to walk all over us, who is at fault?

My goal this year is to be authentic. To me that means speaking from the heart with genuine joy and compassion, integrity and passion. It means saying the difficult things sometimes, and doing my utmost to tell the truth no matter the outcome. But to do so with love, kindness and respect. It means not sacrificing my values, and at the same time being very sure of what my values are. Something I will be changing and learning along the way.

There is no right or wrong way here, only a path of learning and understanding about myself.

I want this blog to be for all of us who struggle. Who know that there is a better way, a deeper purpose and want to take the journey no matter how frightening. Will you join me?

Call Her Bluff.

Call it my alter ego, call it my inner self, today is the day I am calling her bluff. She says I can be fabulous at 50. She says I can accomplish anything I set out to accomplish. She believes I am invincible, a can do person, with a great smile, a strong contender for the good life, able to leap tall buildings. A Superwoman like no other.

I on the other hand fight her tooth and nail each day. I eat more than I should, exercise less than I need to, spend money, make and break my own promises, and apply a defeatist attitude to many days, many moments.

Mostly I do this when it's about me. To all those on the outside looking in, I am my inner self. To me, the outer doesn't match the inner. It's a constant struggle to finding me. I accept rejection silently, demand nothing from others, expect less and less for myself.

Today I am calling my own bluff. Today begins anew. Small steps toward a closer alignment of her and me. She and I. We.